Yes that’s right, those smelly little weed smoking weaklings. I want a national day of respect. Not that they will know (most of them sleep all day as far as I know) but at least I will feel like they have been honoured.
Think I can’t back this up? Then maybe you should lay off the hashish pipe one moment and allow me to elaborate further, dick.
Hippies have it way tougher than most of us actual humans. Adhering to the hippy code is a lot like joining the army (except with very few push-ups). There are rules and regulations that must be obeyed – fail to do so and you will be cast aside, expected to find a job, to contribute to society in some way. Here is what your stock standard freaky beatnik hippy must abide by. The hippy code if you will.
1) Little or no washing. This includes your clothes, your body, and most certainly not your dreadlocks (cranial or pubic). I once saw a hippy so dirty he had to peel his homemade hessian sack pants off at night. His nickname was the human grease-ball though I question the former part of the name. Hippies are completely and totally filthy. They stink, period.
2) Strict dietary constraints. True hippies won’t eat meat. Correction they don’t eat meat that comes from dry land. No chance of a juicy steak from a humanely killed cow (possibly replace humanely with ‘violently’ if you must), but yesiree I’ll have a slice of that freshly killed cod thanks. What the one that got dragged from its own habitat via a sharp hook in its mouth to get thrown in a bucket of ice and slowly suffocate. And don’t get me started on the lentils, the chick peas and those little brown nugget things. Could be sheep shit for all I know. No one likes eating that stuff. That’s why they stay half-baked all the time. And the hippies who say they don’t eat fish either – simple – don’t trust them.
3) Limited vocabulary. The hippy’s top five most common words (according to Forbes magazine – in an issue back a few years... in really small font... right at the back somewhere) are: Dude, man, groovy, joint, and dole. The study further concluded that if you removed these words from the hippy vocab, the average tree hugger would only speak on average 25 words per year. Hey don’t have a go at me - these are the stats – what did you I just plucked these out of thin air? Ungrateful.
4) Little or no meaningful opinion on anyone or anything. Ever tried to start a fight with a hippy? I have. It’s not easy. The hippy code requires a strictly peaceful existence all the time. The dirtier my moves got, the more this weedy little hippy tried to turn the other cheek. Even when both his cheeks were bloodied and bruised... Pointless.
Anyway, if I were to attempt to make a point (I’m not) it would be that we should all stop Hippy bashing and try a bit of hippy pashing. I won’t be... can’t tolerate that bionic hippy breath.
Oh, and sorry about the whole “wasting the last 3.5 minutes of your life” thing. Probably should have pre-warned you.
