http://www.weirdo.com.au/weirdlog/ Thu, 29 Jul 2010 19:03:19 +0000 Zend_Feed http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://www.weirdo.com.au/weirdlog/franco-skinns-article7
Interestingly, I do have a way to quickly identify aptitude, hegemony, and flair by way of a story which occurred in my teenage years. As a result many of my clients will ask a young interviewee the following conundrum: Picture yourself as a young 14 year old martial artist in an open men’s full contact competition. The competition is graded by rank, not age, and you are to fight a 78 year old man in the same ability grouping. You are told by the elderly man’s club mates to take it easy as he is more of a club mascot than a competitor; that he enjoys the involvement but has little strength or ability. However, you are undefeated and he is an opponent none the less, one who shares the same grade as you. What do you do?

It is my belief that anyone who answers similarly as to how I actually acted would generally be a future highflyer; someone able to make tough decisions based on logic, balance, fairness, and weighing up opportunity costs.

Those were my considerations as I buried my foot deep into the old boy’s midriff. My straight thrust kick was easily my most potent weapon at the time and when he advanced with an open stance I took the shot. His defences were inadequate and his core stability was woefully left wanting. The match was barely 4 seconds long.

He sank, clutching his abdomen as if he expected his innards to spill out through the bellybutton. Unable to continue I was awarded the win, although I initially couldn’t hear the referee’s explanation over the crowds jeering hiss. It was bedlam and all manner of items were getting thrown – bottles, burgers, shoes, chairs, the lot. The officials hastened to remove me from the dojo and I was instructed to remain locked in the club manager’s office until order was restored.

If faced with the same situation today I would respond with equal ferociousness. I see no other solution. Had I taken my elderly opponent lightly I risked injury, fatigue, or worse still, shock defeat. I was young and had my reputation to think of. Also, I think of his mind set too. He knew the risks when he jumped on the mat. As the old saying goes ‘If you’re chewing a lemon don’t complain that it’s sour’.

It turns out that his club mates gave me one hell of a hiding in the car park that night. Ten of the cowards rampaged me, although I knocked three of them out before they got me properly. I heard that old bastard yelling to hold me still just before I lost consciousness. That doesn’t concern me greatly. I was more annoyed that I was unable to get medical clearance to continue in the competition. Still, I remained undefeated.

Any young graduate or apprentice prepared to make the same sacrifice I did and cut that old man down like felling an ageing Eucalyptus tree has the gumption and bravery to prosper in any environment.

Life’s a fight so knuckle up.

Franco Skinns
Life Expert

]]> Fri, 24 Jul 2009 21:46:12 +0000 http://www.weirdo.com.au/weirdlog/franco-skinns-article6
Now is not the time for Franco to turn you into an Olympian at the bedroom decathlon. Nor is it to give you a washboard stomach usually only enjoyed by a heroin junkie. Now is the time to offer several key points to get you up the corporate ladder quicker than recoiling seatbelt.

You might think it’s a bit rich for me to provide advice to employees. I’ve been an entrepreneur my whole life. Coupled with that, I’m a pretty savvy financial investor. Never forget though, I’ve had almost a dozen employees over the years. I’ve seen the good and I’ve seen the bad. I’ve even had a guy call in sick due to bad sunburn only to find him at the Harry Potter movie premier. I made him wear a wizard costume to work every day after that. He didn’t last much longer and now works in a service station.

Here are the top five ways to crash through the glass ceiling and reap the looty fruits of senior management. Rule one – be mister (or missus) reliable but don’t show up the boss. It’s a tricky balance. Your boss will want you to be a star but also to know your place. No employer will want you to go further than they will; rather they want you to work your fingers to the bone to advance their own career. Bide your time, cover your responsibilities, and wait for your opportunity. When it comes you slide in there like a silk ferret. It could be a rare adjournment with the CEO in the staffroom, sharing your stationary with the chairman, or with a moment of relief with a director in the urinal. Discreetly hint at the work your doing, the statistics you’re amassing, the connections you’re making, or the sales you’re nailing. Remember that you are the only one that has your best interests at heart so you have to sell yourself. It’s not as important to anyone else but you. Make it count without looking like a nut job.

Rule two – remember everyone’s name. Everyone loves it when people remember their name. From the CEO to the stingy old tea lady, people love to have their existence noted. The closer they are to the top, the more they love it. Don’t worry if they don’t remember yours. They will be so impressed that you remembered their name that they will note your face, if not your name, for next time. Well, actually, they will be so impressed with themselves that they made such an impression on you that you can’t help but remember their name that they will be squeezing their little nipples for hours. Don’t worry about that. Stroking egos is a must for career progression. Never underestimate how far people can get their heads stuck up their own assholes. Ram it up there further I say. They’ll thank you for it.

Rule three – Offer anyone with influence a free massage. It’s a risky strategy and I’ll leave it to you as far as the content of the massage. Some prefer to keep it therapeutic. Others infuse suggestive movement and dance. Some even go at it like they’re trying to save the species. Each solution has an up and downside so choose wisely and be warned – get it wrong and you’re gone.

Rule four – Snitch like wildfire. If you can’t climb the ladder, scuttle up a hill of vanquished carcasses. There are two ways to the top – outperform the competition or hack them down at the knees. I prefer a combo of the two, which I call the ‘the slash and dash’. You won’t win the respect of your peers but I find a luxury apartment far more rewarding. Plus, when you’re the boss they’ll lick your boots spotlessly clean for an extra day’s annual leave.

Rule five – dress nicely. Jeans aren’t appropriate in the office.

Take it from there and when you hit the big time give Franco a call and I’ll take you to billionaire status. That’s what I do. I give you a little flint to start the fire and then I stoke the embers and pour petrol on your soul. Together we’ll warm our feet on the inferno.

Life’s a fight so knuckle up.

Franco Skinns
Life Expert.

]]> Thu, 04 Jun 2009 10:38:09 +0000 http://www.weirdo.com.au/weirdlog/franco-skinns-article5
I have recently returned from the Cook Islands where I hosted a team building event, the third such event for strategic management for this particular seafood conglomerate. Each year this event has brought more interest, more managers, and more dosh (money) for me. Satisfied customers return – business 101.

It very nearly didn’t work out this way. My methods are extreme and not to everyone’s tastes. The first such event perched teetering between revolutionary and catastrophic. I was attempting to break new ground – would the ground break or would Franco?

It all began when I noticed that boot-camps were becoming popular in fitness circles. People were paying good money to be yelled at, bullied, and tortured into physical health. Often clients, who were paying premium gym memberships, paid even more for fitness sessions outside their gym! Moreover, they were going to these boot camps at 5am or earlier. My initial reaction was ‘book in for an MRI scan because you all have brain damage’.

My next reaction was ‘cut Franco a slice’.

I’ve never walked the beaten path. In fact, if you are currently walking along a beaten path it was probably I that beat it, savagely into obedience. It’s in my nature to dominate. With that as forethought, how would I take boot camps to the next level? Introducing - Franco Skinns Concentration Camps.

To direct you back, the first time I ran one of my Concentration Camps was the first team building event I ran for the afore mentioned conglomerate. I rented a ranch in a remote rural area. I converted the primary barn into an impenetrable fortress and stripped the interior of anything of sustenance (people will eat strange things when starving). All windows were blacked out and all lights converted to super-bright bulbs. No insulation was present meaning that, due to the dessert-like environmental conditions, days would be incredibly hot while nights shivering cold.

Upon arrival the clients were noticeably reluctant to commence. I explained that the exercise was not intended to cause any harm and that these extreme conditions would reduce them to their base instincts. Should they bind together as a team they would succeed and become a group so powerful that nothing could hold them back - not in the business world, nor the animal kingdom.

After much discussion they agreed to enter but only after the introduction on a safety word – ‘noodles’. Should, at any point, anyone of the party yell ‘noodles’ all excises were to cease immediately. I agreed.

I lead them into the barn and secured the door. I then instructed my staff – ‘If any of those fuckers says the word ‘noodles’ blast them with the fire hose.

Legally, I am not allowed to discuss what went on but I can offer an overview.
• They were locked in that barn for three days and three nights without water or food.
• They didn’t sleep due to extreme heat during the day and dazzling spotlights working throughout the night
• They were brought to the brink of human limits before uniting, succeeding, and gaining a bond unrivalled by any company in the seafood industry
• It was four hours into the exercise before someone used the safety word ‘noodles’ and was blasted with the fire hose. This occurred five more times before they were too terrified to ever use that word again.
• Exercise completion was celebrated with a seafood smorgasbord
• Twice more I have run this event – they bloody love it now.
• Franco got paid

That’s how to get results, Franco Skinns style. Life’s a fight so knuckle up.

Franco Skinns
Life Coach


A rare photo of Franco Skinns taken unawares by a Cook Island local.

]]> Mon, 11 May 2009 09:15:45 +0000 http://www.weirdo.com.au/weirdlog/franco-skinns-article4
Are you surprised? I certainly am not. This has been on the cards for far too long. You see, we live in a politically corrected snooze-fest of a planet where we are expected to all be right, all be equal, all care for each other, and all live and let live. Never ever hurt the feelings of another animal or organism even if they deserve it. Accept assault, like we accept failure, rudeness, crime, and taxes.

Somewhere in the mid 1990s the Tree-Huggers got on their high horses to save foliage. The world laughed but decided to let the little buggers spout on until they had another hit from the bong and went back to sleep on the futon. What happened next? Go cut down a tree on council land and see for yourself.

The problem is that those little stoners didn’t stop campaigning when they got the munchies. Quite the opposite in fact. They were highly successful and changed modern culture so that organics had rights. But they didn’t stop there. They turned their attentions to the animal kingdom. This is where it all goes a bit topsy-turvey – they decided to save man eating beasts instead of animals slaughtered in their millions, such as chickens, ants, and seagulls.

Make no mistake, man was once the most feared predator on earth and animals knew this. Animals understood that to mess with man resulted in death (sometimes tortuous). Man would then eat the flesh, wear the skin, mount the head on his wall, and feed the bones to his dog. The animal kingdom didn’t want a bar of this and left man to his own devices, only engaging in combat when unavoidable.

It’s a different story today. Due to inconsiderate laws and protection, these beasts (such as sharks) attack without fear of reprisal. In fact they are protected from revenge. Eye-for-an-eye policies can no longer provide sweet solace for victim’s families. Mankind is under attack and is powerless to counter tactically and viciously as was once his right. Once we would have met a shark in an honourable dual to the death. We would hook our fishy foe up by the tail on dry land, beating his muscular torso with a railway sleeper. Honour intact for all involved - satisfied and fatigued. Today’s society has no room for vigilante justice.

Chickens are still slaughtered in their millions, basted and crumbed, snuggled in-between two burger buns with creamy mayo, and sold to greasy fat teenagers…unprotected chickens.

For a summer in the late 1990s I worked on a Bermuda resort as a personal trainer. I had the pleasure of watching a local biologist, Dr Sinco Vermenza, work with local sharks which infested the beautiful beaches. He would lure dozens of sharks into waist deep water with chum and fish tails. To make himself even more inviting to a hungry shark he would butter himself liberally and apply ample amounts of all purpose seasoning before entering the moist death-marine. The first time I saw this I was terrified. The sharks arrived almost instantly, first circling him, then even nudging him. A frenzied mauling was microseconds away when Dr Vermenza administered an aggressive voltage of electricity into the surrounding waters. The sharks that weren’t killed learned a valuable lesson – beware of man. Dr Vermenza was so committed to the cause that he was also shocked to a point close to death but after several years of this behaviour he grew to enjoy the sensation of electrical current raping his innards. I think similar sciences could greatly benefit Australia.

The moral to this instalment is ‘beware who you protect as today’s minions are tomorrows vanquishers’. That hobo on the street could be your next employer, that shop assistant could be your next Prime Minister, that dog might have rabies.

Life is a fight so knuckle up.
Franco Skinns, Life Expert.

]]> Wed, 04 Mar 2009 22:25:38 +0000 http://www.weirdo.com.au/weirdlog/franco-skinns-article3
Cocooning is a term I use for people who remove themselves from the worlds surroundings while remaining physically present. Your classic cocooning teenager will be wearing sunglasses/shades, enormous headphones connected to an mp3 player, hood over their head, and be engrossed in cellphone activity. These actions form an invisible shell force field rendering the occupant oblivious to the activities around them. Thus, they are no longer a part of society. Worse still, when society bothers their activities the cocoonee often becomes uncouth.

Withdrawing from the world is creating a society unable to communication face-to-face. Youths mutter barely a word to each other during school hours but once home on the internet they’re plugged in like Stephen W. Hawkins. Communication rains out via email, text, social networking and connects a single cocoonee with potentially hundreds of thousands of others. That same teen that couldn’t string two words together when you asked for advice at your local department store is likely to be a virtual chatterbox within his bedroom dungeon.

Kids these days…

We can hardly blame them. Today’s youth are hedonistic ragamuffins who believe the world revolves around them. They are selfish, sullen, morose little tosspots.

Case and point, three days ago on the bus I approached a teenage male to inquire of the time. He looked at me like I was mental and continued to play some tennis video game on his phone. Fortunately for him I am an experienced life expert and refrained from overreaction. I did, however, strangle him in headlock so vast in compression that it would defy the laws of modern civil engineering.

To illustrate my point I stole his watch.

But I can’t throttle every teenage cocoonee in this world. I have clients who require my time as a life expert. They pay for my time; teenagers generally do not.

I teach my clients to put themselves first. I also teach them to put their fellow men and women first as well. To paraphrase – you are number one, and so is everyone else. And if we are all first, we are also all last. This is considered revolutionary by my peers and has stimulated much erudite discussion. Applying this to cocooning the lesson is simple- turn your music down, take the shades off, phone on silent, and if someone asks what they time is you fucken well tell them.

So take that lesson forth. We are all human – even in the race of life. Be courteous to one another, say a cheery good morning to your neighbour, offer to help a lost tourist, help an old lady cross the street, share your breakfast.

The state of mankind depends on eradication of cocooning and face-to-face communication is the best paraquat. You can’t impregnate with cyber-sex. We may very well become extinct if we do not act now.

Life is a fight so knuckle up.

Franco Skinns
Life Expert

]]> Thu, 19 Feb 2009 22:45:50 +0000 http://www.weirdo.com.au/weirdlog/franco-skinns-article2
But so what? If you think gaining the world’s attention is going to save you from low self esteem then you are in for a bowl of cold porridge. True happiness comes from looking within your self, not externally. What you have on the inside is what will show on the outside. To be happy, get confident. If you have confidence it will radiate from your core and then influence your outer shell, i.e. posture, attitude, hair-do. In time, this will influence other parts of your life, e.g. better job, healthier, clearer complexion, sport captaincy.

If you are unhappy on the inside it will smother and choke your shell with weight gain, greasy skin, slipped discs, and mumbling to name but a few.

Basically, you are who you believe you should be. Hippo inside means hippo outside. If you don’t like it you have to change from the inside-out.

There are those, of course, who think they can skip a step and get plastic surgery. Look what happens to that lot. The other day I saw a woman’s breast where one nipple looked like it was emigrating to her shoulder. Frankly, I didn’t blame it. The skin it was on was stretched tighter than a trampoline. Then there are those plastic face monstrosities. You can’t tell me that spending $70,000 on an immovable face covered with kaleidoscopic make-up is sensible spending.

My advice is to work out who you are and make peace with yourself. As long as you aren’t hurting yourself or others, and you leave the world in a better way than you found it, then you have to be you – for the sake of your own sanity.

I want to tell you about a couple of my friends. They are good people, loyal and healthy. Most importantly, they are happy. Now, their idea of happiness may conflict with yours but it’s not for you to judge, particularly as they would never judge you. I ask that you explore their underpinning acceptance of who they are rather than recoil at their preferred pastimes.

One of these friends, Clayton, is a farmer but he could easily be an entertainer. Essentially he is both and any visit to his farm will result in an impromptu show. He has found unique ways to combine members of his heard in his act. This is never more obvious than when performing “Clayton and his cow sleeve jacket”. Some might say the idea of inserting his arms up to the shoulders in the rears of two different cows to be revolting. I can only hope that one day you have the opportunity to see it as I believe you will change your tune. It is a thoroughly absorbing spectacle and hysterically funny.

As if this wasn’t enough, years of practice has meant that Clayton has an astute knowledge of bovine anatomy. He actually located a gland that, when a small amount of gentle pressure is applied, will make a cow open and shut its mouth. What ensues is a ventriloquist act the likes of which you cannot imagine. You can’t even see his lips moving, Clayton that is. The cows’ lips are snapping open and shut like a Venus flytrap. I might add, to any animal rights activists, that there is no infringing cruelty here. Those cows out weight him by more than 100kg and have never struggled under the pressures of live theatre.

I have another friend, Jarred who has an abnormally large penchant for women. No matter what shape, form, colour, creed, or religion, Jarred offers a few free drinks and an evening of passable, enthusiastic sex to one and all. It’s like coital yahtzee. With such an open door policy, or perhaps ‘catch and release’ is a better description, Jarred has quite a reputation. You might think that his ravenous needs would isolate him from proper society but the fact is, while one sector alienates him, another actively seeks his company. Actually, they hunt him down like Saint Bernard dogs in an avalanche. And he’s happy. And he’s not hurting anyone. Well, that’s not strictly true; he’s hurt himself. The man is so clogged with sexual diseases that his last doctor forced him into a remote county paddock and administered drums of antibiotics via a crop-dusting plane.

The point is they are happily at peace with who they are and you can be too. So think about how you can gain similar harmony within yourself. Mark my educated words; that harmony will radiate out through your shell, into your life, and the lives of others.

Franko Skinns
Life Expert.

]]> Tue, 20 Jan 2009 11:39:30 +0000 http://www.weirdo.com.au/weirdlog/franco-skinns-article1
Unlike many Grand Masters of the time, I taught indiscipline and lack of control. Focus was on frenzied, emotional attacks. We often used our weaknesses as strengths. Face-butting is a highly effective example of this, as is a good ‘belly buster’. I believe I am one of only a very few who use the groin to assail. Incidentally, while explaining how this can be effective one student’s pugnacious mother asked if these manoeuvres were more deadly with an erection. It’s unbelievable how vulgar some can be. Nutters come in all shapes and sizes.

“Life’s a fight so knuckle up”. That was our slogan and it is as poignant today as it was back then. But not exclusively does it apply to choking opponents. It’s also fighting o keep weight off, battling cholesterol, blocking unwanted sexual advances, fingering the eyes of sceptical society.

We live in a world of passive acceptance. How often do we hear “my weight is glandular”, “I’m a victim of circumstance”, “I would but I have a bad back”, or “they are raciest, wolfish, thugs”. No one is accountable anymore; no one is responsible for their short comings. What a bunch of PC rubbish. If your life is in tatters, it’s your fault. But that’s ok if you’re willing to change; if you’ve made a conscious decision to fight back, knuckle up, bounce back.

So, these days I’m a qualified, certified Life Expert but it’s the grounding I got in as Sensei in my Dojo that remains with me. I learnt on the job as I shaped my committed fighters/students. The wisdom I passed to them changed their lives. Many became successful sales reps, restaurateurs, florists. The have happy, healthy families. They dress in an appropriate manner.

I won’t lie to you. Two such students ended up in jail, but with their training in high octane martial arts fusion skills, they dominated their cellmates with berserk, calculated aggression. Soon they were pack leaders.

Intermittingly, I will be writing a column on this website. I have a lot to give so, stuff it, I’m giving it away for free. In reality, Weirdo.com.au is giving it away for free. I am, in fact, well paid.

If I can offer one piece of advice it is:
“Be your best and the best will be good”

Franco Skinns
Life Expert.

]]> Mon, 08 Dec 2008 11:07:07 +0000 http://www.weirdo.com.au/weirdlog/introducing-franco-skinns
Strap yourself in. These musings are completely unedited.

Please also note our disclaimer: There is a good chance Franco is insane. Rather than actually following his advice, you would probably be better off doing the exact opposite as a general rule.

]]> Mon, 08 Dec 2008 10:59:07 +0000