Now is not the time for Franco to turn you into an Olympian at the bedroom decathlon. Nor is it to give you a washboard stomach usually only enjoyed by a heroin junkie. Now is the time to offer several key points to get you up the corporate ladder quicker than recoiling seatbelt.
You might think it’s a bit rich for me to provide advice to employees. I’ve been an entrepreneur my whole life. Coupled with that, I’m a pretty savvy financial investor. Never forget though, I’ve had almost a dozen employees over the years. I’ve seen the good and I’ve seen the bad. I’ve even had a guy call in sick due to bad sunburn only to find him at the Harry Potter movie premier. I made him wear a wizard costume to work every day after that. He didn’t last much longer and now works in a service station.
Here are the top five ways to crash through the glass ceiling and reap the looty fruits of senior management. Rule one – be mister (or missus) reliable but don’t show up the boss. It’s a tricky balance. Your boss will want you to be a star but also to know your place. No employer will want you to go further than they will; rather they want you to work your fingers to the bone to advance their own career. Bide your time, cover your responsibilities, and wait for your opportunity. When it comes you slide in there like a silk ferret. It could be a rare adjournment with the CEO in the staffroom, sharing your stationary with the chairman, or with a moment of relief with a director in the urinal. Discreetly hint at the work your doing, the statistics you’re amassing, the connections you’re making, or the sales you’re nailing. Remember that you are the only one that has your best interests at heart so you have to sell yourself. It’s not as important to anyone else but you. Make it count without looking like a nut job.
Rule two – remember everyone’s name. Everyone loves it when people remember their name. From the CEO to the stingy old tea lady, people love to have their existence noted. The closer they are to the top, the more they love it. Don’t worry if they don’t remember yours. They will be so impressed that you remembered their name that they will note your face, if not your name, for next time. Well, actually, they will be so impressed with themselves that they made such an impression on you that you can’t help but remember their name that they will be squeezing their little nipples for hours. Don’t worry about that. Stroking egos is a must for career progression. Never underestimate how far people can get their heads stuck up their own assholes. Ram it up there further I say. They’ll thank you for it.
Rule three – Offer anyone with influence a free massage. It’s a risky strategy and I’ll leave it to you as far as the content of the massage. Some prefer to keep it therapeutic. Others infuse suggestive movement and dance. Some even go at it like they’re trying to save the species. Each solution has an up and downside so choose wisely and be warned – get it wrong and you’re gone.
Rule four – Snitch like wildfire. If you can’t climb the ladder, scuttle up a hill of vanquished carcasses. There are two ways to the top – outperform the competition or hack them down at the knees. I prefer a combo of the two, which I call the ‘the slash and dash’. You won’t win the respect of your peers but I find a luxury apartment far more rewarding. Plus, when you’re the boss they’ll lick your boots spotlessly clean for an extra day’s annual leave.
Rule five – dress nicely. Jeans aren’t appropriate in the office.
Take it from there and when you hit the big time give Franco a call and I’ll take you to billionaire status. That’s what I do. I give you a little flint to start the fire and then I stoke the embers and pour petrol on your soul. Together we’ll warm our feet on the inferno.
Life’s a fight so knuckle up.
Franco Skinns
Life Expert.
